Cassie
One of our girls came home from school one afternoon. Upset. Actually, not just upset. Hurt.
Kids at school told her I'm not her real mom. That her real mom died. That I'm just her step mom.
She sat at the kitchen table and you could see it all over her face. The confusion. The pain. The question she didn't know how to ask.
Nick and I sat down with her. We didn't brush it off. We didn't change the subject.
We told her the truth.
We don't use the word "step" in our house. Not because we're pretending. Because it doesn't fit.
Her birth mom died. That is real and that is true and we will never erase that. But she has two parents who chose her. Who adopted her. Who love her with everything we have.
And we explained it the only way we know how.
In Ephesians 1 it says that God predestined us for adoption as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ. That is the model. That is the blueprint. God didn't look at us and say "you're my step children." He chose us. He claimed us. He made us His own.
That is what we did with our kids.
You don't have to be blood to be family. There are plenty of people who share blood and don't treat each other like family at all.
We told her that unfortunately there are kids out there whose parents don't always love them or care for them. And she has been blessed with two moms who love her. Not just one.
You could see it shift in her. The lie those kids put in her head started to lose its grip. She went from confused and hurt to something else. Thankfulness. Gratitude. The kind that only God can give when He replaces a lie with His truth.
That conversation didn't just help her. It reminded Nick and me why we are so intentional about the way we parent. Because the world is going to tell our kids their family is broken. Every single day. And if we don't give them the truth first, someone else will give them a lie.
Nick
When Cassie and I got married, we made a decision before day one.
We would be a unified front.
The kids would not see "Cassie's kids" and "Nick's kids." They would see one family with one set of rules and two parents who were on the same page.
That got tested fast.
Week one. Dinner table. Six kids. One of my girls had been used to eating whatever she wanted. Chicken nuggets. Mac and cheese. The usual.
That first night Cassie put a real meal on the table and the fit started. Arms crossed. Plate pushed away. The whole routine.
We didn't cave.
It wasn't a fight. It was a standard. In this house you eat what is prepared and you are thankful for it.
Within a couple of weeks she adjusted. Not just adjusted. She started appreciating it. And that shift carried into other areas too. When you raise the standard, kids rise to meet it. But they have to see that you mean it. If we had caved that first week, the standard would have been set in the other direction. Kids are always watching to see if you actually believe what you say.
Then there's the chore chart.
Six kids in one house and things get messy in a hurry. Every kid has a daily responsibility. Not because we're running a boot camp. Because they need to understand that this house runs because everyone contributes.
Nobody is entitled to a free ride.
And you know what? They don't fight it. They just do it. Because they understand the why behind it. When kids know the reason behind a rule, they don't resent the rule. They respect it.
Then there are the phones.
This one started with our oldest daughter. She was sixteen at the time and the first one to have a phone. The rule was simple. When you walk in the door, the phone goes up.
She set the standard. And the younger kids got to watch her example before they ever had a phone of their own. Our kids don't get a phone until middle school, so by the time each one gets theirs, the expectation is already built into the culture of the house. The boys were next. Same rule. No exceptions.
We also have a rule about screens in general. If you are watching something, it goes on a big screen where everyone can see it. Not on your phone. Not behind a closed door. Out in the open.
That is not about control. That is about protection. The things kids have instant access to in this world can corrupt their minds before they even know what they are looking at. A phone screen is easy to hide behind. A TV in the living room is not.
We didn't want six kids sitting in the same room staring at six different screens. We wanted them talking. Playing. Annoying each other. Actually becoming a family.
You can't integrate a family through a screen. You integrate by being present.
Cassie
Here is what I want you to hear if you are blending a family or thinking about it.
Nick and I were on the same page about almost everything from the beginning. Parenting. Faith. Standards. How we discipline. What we expect. That was such a blessing. And I don't take it for granted.
But even when you agree on everything, the execution is still hard. The conversations are still uncomfortable. The kids still come home hurt from things you can't control.
What holds it together is this. We care way more about who our kids are becoming than what they do or accomplish.
Their identity is not rooted in grades or sports or popularity. Their identity is rooted in Christ and Christ alone.
We teach them that every single day. At the dinner table. In the hard conversations. In the moments when the world tells them their family is broken.
Our family is not broken.
It was rebuilt.
If you are blending a family, we want to hear from you.
What is the hardest part? Hit reply and tell us. We read every single one.
Hold on.
Still standing.